It’s been a while since my last blog post. And a little while since my last Instagram post. And quite a long time since I last interacted with my EllieMaySibley social media accounts in any meaningful way. Sometimes I’ll post a quick tweet or a quick photo, just to make sure the algorithms don’t forget me, but it feels half-hearted and empty, more like a chore than a hobby that I enjoy.
They say that if you “choose a job you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life”. I’m pretty sure that’s not true because as much as I love writing and I love sharing my writing with you, it started to feel like pretty damn hard work. And I wasn’t even getting paid.
I’m not really sure where this feeling started to come from, but it does set in every so often. And every time it sets in, I draw myself back from my blog and my associated social media accounts and then a lot of the progress I make, such as with followers or readers and even collaboration opportunities, disappears after a week or two of inactivity. Then it starts to feel like there’s no point in any of this. I mean, I’m not enjoying it and I don’t get anything back from it.
The thing is, most of the time I do enjoy it, but it’s hard to get back into the blog slog after a while of inactivity. You see when you’ve lost your momentum with social media, it’s pretty hard to pick it back up. I go from getting a steady number of blog views a day to getting none when I’m not posting. Then the next couple of posts after that I’ll get a grand total of five views if I’m lucky. And most of them will be me reading my own posts back to myself.
What’s more is that it’s been a couple of years since I really started putting a lot of effort into this, and I feel no further along than I was when I started. Sure, I’ve gotten a few free goodies or meals to review and the occasional offer to guest post on someone else’s website, but it’s not like I am making a worthwhile career out of this. I never expected to, of course, though it would be nice to look back at the hundreds of hours I’ve spent pouring my life and soul into something and feel like it meant something.
I still lack a proper direction. Like what do I even want to write about? Food? Travel? Studying? Something else entirely? I don’t know myself.
I was supposed to, at some point, find some sort of niche, something about my life that people wanted to hear about from me. But I honestly don’t feel like much of an educated source of information about anything. I don’t feel like my voice makes any sort of worthy contribution to the blogging community in any way. Why read my blog when there’s thousands of more experienced writers out there?
And for the most part, I’m not really onboard with sharing anything that comes straight from the heart. I don’t want to be transparent and honest about my innermost feelings and then chuck that on the internet for anyone to read. Which is kind of a setback on an internet that seems to be leaning towards authenticity. Besides, I’m not sure who wants to spend their time listening to me whining anyway.
This has been an exercise in catharsis for me. A way of clearing the writer’s block, if you will. I’ve got more to say on this topic, I’m still wrestling with whether or not ‘lifestyle’ blogging is really for me (maybe I’ll throw in the towel and go back to fanfiction). There’s a lot about this whole blogging experience that I haven’t really liked, that hasn’t really felt like “me”. More on that to come, I need to take some time to iron out my thoughts.
For all the complaining I’ve done, though, I don’t want to let this little corner of the internet that I’ve made my home go. I still love writing, I still enjoy sharing my thoughts and opinions with all the people that for whatever reason decided to click follow. It gets disheartening from time to time, or life gets in the way, or sometimes I just have nothing to say. And there’s aspects of the ‘blogging community’ (I guess?) that I don’t really like, aspects of using Instagram and other social media accounts as platforms for self-promotion that I really don’t like, and aspects of blogging and writing that I sometimes struggle with but I guess I’m going to have to find a way to navigate around those if I want to continue getting better at doing something I love, something I have always loved.
Ellie May Sibley 